sadness almost took me away

Mood: ALT + 000 (There's this void in my heart. and it aches.)

i decided to check the course checklist to find out my deficiencies. Only to find out that I was taking a subject that was redundant with another subject i took before. i felt like i wasted 3 units of my time. but on the other hand, i was pretty much enjoying the subject. It would certainly be futile to drop the subject at this time. It wouldn't help at all. so might as well continue on with it, and work harder.

what dawned to me was that I was really old in this university. I'll be 25 next year. i'll be graduating my undergraduate course at the age of 25. Talk about MAJOR achievement... NOT! I called my mom and heard her disappointment in her voice even though she didn't have to say so. I felt sad. all i could think of was time wasted and my almost wasted life. I'm now in the middle of my last class of the day and all I felt was crying in the middle of writing this blog.

I can't concentrate much with the lesson. It's a good thing my professor gave copies of handouts for today's discussion. I cant afford to allow myself to lose my composure. It wouldn't be right. But part of me really wants to head home and allow myself to let out my grief... Of my dying youth... of my lost opportunities... of my dying hope.

It's 5:57pm in my watch. No wifi in class, can't send this blog right now. But this is all that i can do to keep me from losing myself. I can hardly make a smile. seems so painful to smile. and what's harder is holding back the sadness in my eyes... waiting to wash away the grief in my heart.




Thought chain: my mom sent me a text message. She said "You know how much i love you". And I do. but sometimes, you can't help to feel so down and out.